Jokes..

A few Jokes...



I just saved 3 children from a burning house and got a really big pat on the back.

Just think if I could play Tennis or ride a bike fast I might have got a knighthood as well.



Men speak because they have something to say...

Women speak because they have to say something.



So I have invented a new game - Quiet tennis

It's pretty much the same as normal tennis, but without the racquet.



I never give money to the homeless: it just goes on drugs.

If I've got anything left after I've bought my drugs, maybe I'll throw them 50p.



I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, "Are we having salad for dinner?"

"Yes we are, how did you know?" she asked.

I replied, "Because I can't hear the smoke alarm."


As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat f*****g cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."



My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.

f*****g hell, I got married?


Douglas Engelbart, the inventor of the mouse has died. What vision, to know we'd need one hand free on the computer.


As the inventor of the computer mouse has died I can just imagine how his funeral will be.

Drag and drop.


Andy Murray is the first British Men's singles champion at Wimbledon in 77 years.

To put that length of time into context: 77 years ago, Nelson Mandela wasn't even ill.



My Deaf girlfriend told me to f**K off.

That's not a good Sign.



I don't know why hedgehogs think that rolling into a ball is a good defence mechanism.

I wasn't going to kick it before.



It must be great being a Korean in this weather. You can take your dinner to work and let it slow cook in the car.



I'm not saying my wife's a fat c**t..

But after a terrible road accident last week, she was left paralysed from the neck across.



The inventor of the computer mouse has died.

They should have right clicked and saved him.



"The Universe contains 500 billion habitable planets"

It's a pity that the Muslims chose this one.



Murray wins Wimbledon

Can you imagine the celebrations in Scotland?

I bet they've been through more tenants than Fred West


I asked the doctor could he give me something to help me get an erection.

He handed me a picture of his daughter.


'India Floods- 3000 missing'.

Have they checked in London?

76 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it!" he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter!
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nice gags