Jokes

I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream.

99% of them reply, "Where are my parents?"




I told the wife I'm taking our son to South Africa so we can visit Nelson Mandela before he passes on.

She said, "What if he dies halfway there?"

I replied, "Then I'll just go on my own."



After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Then the nurse came.

At that point, she whispered the 5 words no man wants to hear: "Who the f**K was that?"


I sat down on the sofa to watch Wimbledon but all I could hear was grunt after grunt after grunt.

"Shut the door while your having a s**t!", I said to my wife. "I'm trying to watch the tennis"



I phoned my boss today and told him that I wouldn't be able to make it in. He said, "Why, what's wrong?"

I said, "There's a little boy that lives a few streets down and he died last night."

"Did you know him?" he asked.

"No," I replied, "I'd never met him before."

"Then why are YOU staying off?"

"Well, I can't drive to work with a smashed windscreen."



I like a good long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex.

It's the quickest way to deflate her.



My date woke up next to me this morning and said, "Did we?...."

I said, "You were very drunk and fell asleep."

She said, "Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it," I replied. "You probably wouldn't have agreed to anal if you hadn't."



Breaking News - The UK has been reported to have twice as much gas as first thought.
Obama has declared war on the U.K. and will be invading Saturday


The Specials are re-releasing a single for the summer entitled "Breeeathe, Nelson Mandela!"



What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Elvis?

When Elvis died, he was found with his hand in his own nappy.

Contraversial lol